Staff Memo

Memo

To: All Staff
From: Management
CC: Personnel Files
Date: 25/01/2010
Re: Bad Language


It has been brought to the management’s attention that some individuals have been using foul and abusive language during the execution of their duties. Due to complaints from some of the more sensitive staff, this type of language can no longer be tolerated.

However, the management realizes the importance of staff being able to express their feelings when communicating with other employees. To this end, our Human Resources department have compiled a list of code phrase replacements so that the proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner without offence to our more easily offended employees.

The phrases are as follows:

OLD PHRASE NEW PHRASE
Absolutely no fucking chance! I’m fairly sure that’s not feasible.
You lying shit! Are you quite sure about that?
Tell someone who gives a fuck! Have you informed the management about that?
It’s got fuck all to do with me! I don’t think I was involved in that project.
Shove a brush up my arse and I’ll sweep the fucking floor as well! Would you like me to do that for you as well?
Am I the only twat here? Would someone else care to answer the telephone?
You haven’t got a fucking clue! Perhaps you need a little more training in this.
This place has is a real shit hole! The office is looking a little untidy.
Eat shit and die mother fucker! I think I told you this would happen.
You over paid shit for brains! You’re my boss and I respect that.
Fuck off smart arse! Well done.
She’s a ball-busting bitch! She’s a full time career woman.
Get out of my face, dog breath! I don’t think I require your assistance.
Raving, fucking arse bandit! He’s very much in touch with his feminine side.
Boy, are you in the shit! Does the boss know about this?
Kiss my fucking arse! I’d rather not if you don’t mind.
Who the fuck are you? Are you new here?
No fucker told me! I wasn’t given that piece of information.
What sort of clueless fuck wit are you? You haven’t done this before, have you?
You’ve made a right cock-up of that! It’s the sort of mistake anyone could make.
I’m dying for a shit! I’m going to wash my hands.
It’s fucked! It’s broken but I think I can fix it.
It’s completely fucked! It’s broken beyond repair.
Fuck off! I’d like to be alone for a while if you don’t mind.
Fuck off you twat! You are a very rude man.

pp. belowthesalt.wordpress.com
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Published in: on Monday, January 25th, 2010 at 1:58 am  Leave a Comment  
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